"GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you
aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please
ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and
your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first
priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would
be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer
in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy
our tickets and we would go bust.
The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This
is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention
to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance
where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of
survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your
seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not
illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air
turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can
cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the
air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea
of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that
seat belt fastened all the same.
Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not
remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the
event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have
occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied
aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This
aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life
rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled
shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets
and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention
the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.
Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with
the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always
been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere
with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound
quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by
mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on
board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about
this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas
fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high
calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about
mobile phones to evaporate.
On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a
video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a
voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of
deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it
is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event
of lawsuits.
Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light
meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than
just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these
refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do
yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate
quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said,
we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help
ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.
After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain
will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be
able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please
sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a
choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of
an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which
you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have
remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and
cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”
